Just today, I had the urge to come on here and look at all the posts I've written. And by some miracle, I had this as a draft and never published it. It was named something which I didnt remember and it's funny going back to when I had written this a while back. It summons a bundle of emotions but I thought I'd share how I felt 6 months ago.
My heart hurts more than it has ever before. Not too long ago, I watched a video of a bride standing on the dance floor. Her brother explained to the crowd that their late father unfortunately couldn't be there to have their Father/Daughter dance together. Now for every little girl, this is one of the moments that we have waited for all our lives. And there she stood, barely holding a smile. Fortunately, her brother did something amazing; he recorded Butterfly Kisses for her and her father. All around the bride, family and friends danced in honor of his place. This video was one of the last things that had painfully reminded me that you are not here and that I won't have an opportunity to have that special dance with you, like most girls get to.
For the last three weeks, I've been having a hard time. I've faced some hardships that I couldn't imagine facing on my own. It feels as if I have been broken and stripped to the core. At times, I feel like I am suffocating, no longer able to breathe right. It's as if I am a fish out of the water. I've prayed and cried, and prayed again. But yet it seems like nothing will ever go right. Any moment of happiness slips right through my fingers, and the smiles and laughter I share with friends and family all seem to be a facade. I honestly do not know how I have the strength to pull myself out of bed, to continue my usual schedule that is laid in front of me. And yet I manage. See, I've been feeling like a speck of dust, not really worth anything to the world. Even though I forge on, my confidence seems to dissipate every hour and minute. My legs, arms, and even my heart seem so heavy and yet I manage. For the last three weeks, I haven't been getting or doing anything right. Every bad news seems to break me down even further than it has. I smile and make everyone around me as happy as I can. But there was no way I can help myself. I'm simply hanging by a small thread. Why is it that my heart can hurt this bad? And why does it seem like everything around is working against me?
Today seemed like the last straw. I had given up on all hopes and continued my day like any other. But some how I had the strength to study and take my exam. Yes, I had the strength to do that much, but there was no doubt I knew it was going to go like any other exam I had failed to do right. The past months, I had studied; reading the text and writing every thing verbatim. Yet, I would happen to get all the concepts wrong. Was I that big of an idiot? I've always had exceptional grades before college and I just didn't understand why I wasn't getting things right. I told myself I had to face the reality, and know I was stupid. You have no idea how much I have drilled it in my head that I was a failure, an idiot, worthless piece of... well you get the picture. I was so angry because I put myself in this situation. I was angry that I didn't do things right. I was angry because I had failed to be the person I expected myself to be. My confidence was at the lowest point it could ever be. Nothing that anyone could tell me would help at this point. There was no reassuring that could help me believe. I guess you weren't there to push me the way you did. I just lost it today. And before taking this exam, I told myself "I can't do this." I ended up taking it, knowing a 56 or a 44 was better than a 0. After the exam, my legs felt weak, my hands got clammy, and I had the worst chills of my life. My teeth chattered and I think my face went pale. I had to face the reality of seeing the grade posted on Blackboard. I realized I had one of the highest grades I have ever gotten so far throughout these three weeks.
I guess that was the push that I needed. It's as if that was a sign that I just had to push through this day and do something right. Once again you had pushed and reminded me that I had it all along. And what was funnier was the second great news. Dad, I got another amazing opportunity to work with a company that was interested in my writing. Even though I haven't felt like I was worth anything, my writing was all that I could be proud of. I never realized that someone else would acknowledge the most important thing I had left. There are people always telling me I did a great job writing articles, but I thought it was just a simple gesture from people. I always thought that my writing was just above average--nothing notable. I guess third time is the charm; I was offered again to write what I love. and nothing could take that away from me.
Going through these weeks were hard. But the idea that someone thought my writing was "impeccable" and worth while amazed me. God does work in mysterious ways. And this may be silly, but it really has brightened my day in WEEKS! People might think this is stupid to get happy about. But the fact that someone has read my articles (thinking no one reads it), just made me cry after reading that email. I called Grandma, Omar, Thomas's mom and dad. And I felt so happy because writing is important to me. It's my outlet to get away from all the stress.
So here I am writing about you and hope you're thinking of me from time to time. I miss you so much. "L
Your baby girl,